The California Fires

I struggle to process events like the California wildfires. As someone who lived in Santa Monica, whose brother was a California fire fighter, who was in Sonoma for the wild fires of 2017, my system is wide open to the trauma and devastation happening in real time. 

Humans aren’t built to process tragedies of this scope more than once, maybe twice, in a lifetime. But as more tragedies unfold every year, in a way that we can all watch on our phones, we have to evolve. We have to learn to regulate our bodies and hearts and nervous systems in order to stay present and open and loving and helpful. And that is no joke, my friends. 

Ten years ago, I lived in Santa Monica, just a few blocks away from where the Palisade fires are still - as of this moment - blazing with zero percent containment. Every time I get on social media, I see dystopian images of fire and animals fleeing, cars lying abandoned. It’s hard to process. Humans aren’t designed to process the kind of trauma and devastation we see on a daily basis now.

The amount of nervous system dysregulation that shows up in these situations - for those who have lost everything, for those who have been displaced, for those who are watching families, friends, fellow humans deal with this - is enormous.

To anyone who’s affected by the California fires in any way, I’m sending my love. 

How to Solve a Problem You Don't Know How To Solve

For years, I led myself through my life by writing about it. I would start with a question and write myself to an answer or a new perspective.

I’ve been moving through a cocoon stage for awhile now, dissolving into sticky goo, napping in the life-giving sludge, and then popping my head out to see what’s going on.

I keep thinking I’m out of it, that the wings are growing, but then I leap off something only to fall on my face.

Honestly, that might be life. Cocoon or not. But I want to lead myself through my current challenges and into the next phase. Whatever it is.

Do you sometimes experience a problem for so long that you just want a new problem? You get so sick of the problem and yourself in the problem that a forward move would be nice, but you’ll also accept a lateral move just for the change of scenery?

To be fair, I am seeing this particular problem from a new angle. I’ve actually moved through quite a few levels and layers of this problem, ascended to a few new heights with it. But it’s still here. Hi, problem.

If you’re wondering what the problem actually is - way to be vague, Amber - it’s money. It costs a lot of it to live in Northern California, especially when you have health issues that suck up a lot of cash and you want to start traveling again and you have a book buying habit.

So how do we solve problems we don’t know how to solve?

At first, we revert to a past version of ourselves. For me, it was the version of myself that got a job. The version of myself that tried to use my brain to figure it out. The version of myself that wanted answers and clarity, and wanted them now, damn it.

All that got me was a lot of frustration and exhaustion brought on by overthinking.

The answers of my past will not get me to the future I want.

What will get me there is still subject of debate, but here’s what I’m trying:

Rebuilding self-trust by keeping promises to myself.

I’ve always been a “bite off more than I can chew” kind of human - what can I say, if a little motion goes a long way, a lot goes even further - and I’ll overdo it and crash and burn.

So I’m trying a few promises and for a shorter length of time. Like, if I can stay away from gluten and sugar this week, I will have succeeded. Promise kept. If I exercise everyday this week, even if it’s just a half hour walk, promise kept.

Following my design.

I’m obsessed with human design, and learning to master how this works for me. For example, since I’m a Manifesting Generator, I’m heading in the right direction when I’m satisfied and in the wrong direction when I’m frustrated. I do best when I follow my intuitive hits in the moment - with a deeply felt yes or no. (Note to any friends and family who read this: Asking me vague questions will just confuse me. Asking me a yes or no question like, “Do you want Thai food right now?” will bring clarity for all.) (Yes, I want Thai food right now.)

How this relates to money: I have intuitive hits all the time about things I want to do, things I want to offer, ways to help. I’m practicing receiving the intuitive hit (or thought) (yes, intuitive hits can present as thoughts) and then checking it with my sacral by asking myself a yes/no question and going with the quick answer. Then actually doing that thing when I think of it. Rather than putting it on a list or scheduling it and trying to follow my schedule. This is likely going to mean I do a lot more things with a lot less notice, but I’m trusting that will work out.

Channeling money healings for myself and others.

This has actually helped a lot - since last year, it’s created a lot of ease and flow in my nervous system and finances, but there’s still a lot more to do, which is why I’m going to keep creating money healings until this problem is solved. For myself and anyone who joins me.

For me, right now, it’s about showing up fully. Trusting that things will work out. That if I show up in the way I’m meant to show up, the money will follow. It has in the past, it just requires a lot of me. Working on my business while also working on my books while also taking extremely good care of myself. That’s a lot to do, especially when you’re tired and your head hurts and you don’t have a boss breathing over your shoulder so you could get back in bed with that pile of books on your bedside table if you really wanted to.

And I will. At some point. But not before I do all the things my intuition and sacral are asking of me today. Headache or no.

Love,

Amber

The Energy of Shame

Nothing kills the taste of a nice brie like shame coating your tongue. 

Shame is one of the lowest frequencies on the emotional scale. Spending time there - especially a lot of time - really, really blows. Because you know what doesn’t work when you’re hanging out in the energy of shame? 

Anything. Anything at all. 

If you’re telling yourself you’re bad and wrong because you haven’t achieved what you wanted to achieve or things haven’t worked out, you’re just anchoring yourself into future disappointment. Ask me how I know. Actually don’t. It’s embarrassing. 

Let me tell you about yesterday’s epiphany: 

I didn’t realize how much time I -hadn’t- been spending in shame until a fresh shame spiral hit. I remembered that feeling. I had spent so long in it for a few recent years that it was normal. It was life. It took finally lifting out of it to fully see how detrimental it is. 

So I dropped into shame. There are reasons (my brain does love a good reason), including more alcohol over the weekend than I’m used to. (Alcohol can tank my brain chemistry.) I wasn’t even sure what was wrong, I just knew I hadn’t felt this way in awhile and I didn’t like it. 

It wasn’t until Brandon said, “You’re in shame” that it clicked. (I am historically terrible at labeling feelings and emotional states.) 

THAT’S what this feeling is. The feeling that I’m bad and I’ve been doing things wrong and I’m a failure - a feeling that can lampoon any other thing that might be happening in my brain or emotions. 

The amount of shame I was in for a few years really explains a lot about why things weren’t going well for me. It’s impossible for things to go well when you’re locked in the lowest of low emotional frequencies. 

When you try to work in shame, it’s a disaster. Mostly you don’t get anything done, which just racks up more reasons to feel shame. Sometimes I would get something done but only with epic amounts of frustration. Then I’d just have to redo it later. If I did manage to finish something on my to-do list, it’s would be so marinated in the energy of shame that it wouldn’t go anywhere. If it was a piece of writing, crickets. If it was something to do with my business, it drops into the void. And rightfully so. The world doesn’t need anything else steeped in shame. 

So yesterday, I finally realized that trying to work in a shame spiral was pointless. So I decided to do some errands. Errands should be safe, right? WRONG.

Here’s how I learned not to do ANYTHING in a shame pit except do my best to feel better: 

The store I needed - and went all the way downtown for - was closed. I forgot my library card. Here’s the kicker: To make myself feel better, I got some nice cheese and crackers. 

BUT THE CHEESE DIDN’T TASTE GOOD. 

It was from Whole Foods! I love cheese! Even terrible cheese is good cheese! But it didn’t taste good at all. Shame had blunted my tastebuds. I know this for sure, because I’m eating the same cheese now, when I feel pretty good, and it’s delicious. 

Yesterday’s big lesson and the moral of my story: Do nothing in the energy of shame. 

Just do whatever it takes to feel better. Do whatever it takes to shift your energy, your frequency, the way you’re thinking about yourself. Even if it means pressing reset on the day and watching a movie until bed time. 

Blogging Like It's 2006

When your partner looks at you across the breakfast table and says, “You aren’t being authentic” while you’re eating pancakes, it feels like a knife in the heart.

First of all, my soul is made of pancakes so I was as authentic as I could possibly be in that moment.

Second of all, since my authentic self has a wildly unhinged sense of humor and a lot of feelings - and I’ve been trying to keep a lid on a lot of that lately - I guess it’s true.

I’ve definitely fallen prey to some of those misguided “I am an adult and thus must be a perfect reflection of society’s construct of a responsible human” beliefs. Pro tip: Don’t do that. I’d much rather be a free range weirdo.

Our conversation about authenticity was actually in reference to my work and my writing. Since my job for the past number of years has basically been “help people get their shit together” (albeit in an unconventional way), I’ve felt like I need to have my shit together. Since I don’t have my shit together - at least not in the socially acceptable way - I haven’t wanted to talk about it, which has hamstrung my ability to communicate and share in the way I used to and really enjoyed.

I haven’t wanted to write about my real experience, because my real experiences don’t feel like something you can have if you’re also attempting to help other people. Yes, I hear all the things wrong with that sentence.

While I did have it together in the culturally-conditioned way - good job, paying rent on a house, etc - in my twenties, my older self has her shit together in a more real way. Less social currency, but more ability to function in a way that works for me and my brand of peculiarities. My older self is more, one might even say, authentic.

Maybe I also stopped because I thought I had to outgrow my weird, unhinged self the way I once thought I had to abandon cartoon t-shirts on the altar of being a mature adult.

Since I still wear t-shirts with llamas riding bicycles, maybe I get to reclaim my unhinged writing style. While I’ve become (arguably) more authentic to myself and who I am and what I want and need, my writing has become less so.

Really, I just want to return to the wildly unhinged blogging days of yore, when it was 2006 and we weren’t worried about branding or selling or SEO or anything much beyond LET ME TELL YOU WHAT MY DOG JUST DID. NOW I’M WRITING A RESUME FOR MY DOG. HERE’S MY DOG IN HIS BEST WORK ATTIRE, NOW FIELDING OFFERS and then posting a picture of your dog in a tie?

Remember those halcyon blogging days? I want those back. Because that style of writing was fun and endorphinizing and helped me write myself to answers, answers my current self could really use. It felt really true to me, in a way the current style - at least the style I’ve adopted - doesn’t.

I just want to write about my nonexistent dog in a nonexistent tie.

Whatever happened, most of my writing over the past few years has been sadly hinged, rather than gleefully unhinged.

Yesterday’s solar eclipse was smack dab over my midheaven - meaning, big changes are coming in my career. I’ve been feeling this for weeks - the chaos is real, my friends - and thusfar it seems to mean returning to the way I used to write.

Do we have to share all the messy parts of our lives in order to be authentic? That gong you hear is a resounding no from the universe. Do we have to be sanitized versions of ourselves to help other people? That’s another big no gong.

But here’s the thing: For whatever reason, I can’t get there. I don’t seem able to write the way I want to without sharing the mess in a way that I won’t do if I’m doing my current work.

Honestly, I feel a little betrayed by the fact that I’m not going to know what yesterday’s eclipse did to my career and writing for quite awhile yet. I want to know now. I want to know if the only way I can go back to being Unhinged Amber is to shut down my business. I want to know if I just need to scale way back so I have the time and energy and don’t feel the need to present myself in any particular way, but can still do the work I do love doing in many respects.

Or do I just need to find a job and focus on unhinged blogging and writing my books in my off hours?

I don’t know. But maybe if I keep writing whatever I want to write, those answers will come.

How You End Up with Ghouls in a Romantic Comedy

I finally finished re-reading the first draft of my novel! Good job, me!

This was something I planned to do in January, but may need to accept the fact that winter hibernation is real and I shouldn't expect too much of myself.

Now that spring has sprung - the grass is growing high and fast, the trees are blooming, and the cows are mooing - it seems my ability to do things has returned.

Aside from line editing and a confusing plot section where the goons switch to ghouls (?), I'm not sure there's much to do. At least until a few more people read it and tell me where the holes are.

Lots of writers ponder plot and characters and motivation before they ever start writing, but I just can't seem to do it that way. Whenever I try to outline, I immediately lose interest. My brain doesn't formulate anything until my fingers are already typing and following the story that's unscrolling in front of me.

This is how you end up with ghouls in a romantic comedy.

It's kind of like life, really. I mean, hopefully there are no ghouls in your life - none in mine, so far - but you just show up and start moving and see what happens.

If you stop moving, stop typing, things stop happening. And then the story gets really boring.

I wonder if the people who plot their books are also the people who can plot their lives. The kind of people with five and ten year plans who actually follow those plans.

I have never met a plan that I can't completely demolish within three months.

All I can do - in my books and in my life - is show up and see where the path leads and where I end up. Usually far from where I intended.

But, ghouls aside, where I end up is generally pretty good.

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This was posted to my Patreon earlier today. If you’d like to follow me there, I’d love to have you! It’s where I’ve been doing more personal writing these days.