Why Am I Emotional?

Do you ever feel super emo for no discernible reason?

ME TOO.

I recently had to cry like a toddler whose lollipop was taken away and then get wrapped up like a burrito on the couch to chill me out. I’m fine now (thanks for asking) but my scheduled CEO Monday was less power-suited-whirl-o-motion and more human-burrito-and-snacks.

If this is you too, today or any day … fist bump, friend.

Four Reasons You Might Be Feeling Emotional

1. Human Design

One of the aspects of human design is the emotional center. Your emotional center is either open or closed. (To find out which applies to you, google ‘human design chart’ and enter your birth date and time.)

If your emotional center is open, you have a tendency to take on the emotions of others. You’ll pick up on the emotions being felt around you and feel like those feelings are your own.

(I have an open emotional center and so sometimes when I’m feeling something big … it’s not even mine. So if I do a little clearing or get away from the person who’s having the feelings, boom. So much better.)

Learning to stop taking on other people’s emotions could change your life.

2. The Moon

When in doubt, blame the moon.

The moon changes signs every few days. When the moon is in a fire sign, you’ll have a lot of energy to get things done. When the moon is in an air sign, you may feel a little ungrounded and extra chatty. When the moon is in an earth sign, your focus will be better, especially if you take plenty of breaks.

When the moon is in a water sign, you may feel more emotional. You may also want to rest more.

(I use an app called iLuna to figure out where the moon is on any given day.)

3. Parasites

While a bit gross, learning about parasites was such an epic game changer for me that I would be remiss if I didn’t include it. A lot of people have parasites. It’s a fun little aspect of gut health that I never really thought about until I needed to heal it. Parasites can be picked up in sushi, from pets or pork.

Parasites will eat your soul. Or at least all the happy chemicals that make life worth living.

Fun fact: Parasites are more active around the new moon and the full moon so if you find yourself full of angst for no particular reason at those times, it’s probably worth getting your gut checked.

If it’s determined you have parasites, there are supplements that can help you clean them out. It may be the best thing you ever do for your mood.

4. Sometimes we just feel things.

And that’s okay.

Feeling your feelings as physical sensations without getting all tangled up in the story will help your feelings move up and out.

Meeting the feelings like a friend and giving them some compassion and acceptance is often all they want from us.

xo - Amber

If you’d like more tools to help you feel better, I have something for you!

The Staggering and Long-Winded Mental Aftermath of Unfollowing Friends on Social Media

At the height of my “I desperately want a baby but don’t see how that can happen” panic a few years back, I unfollowed all my friends with children on instagram. 

Announce your pregnancy? Immediate triggered unfollow! 

Show your adorable children doing adorable things? Immediate triggered unfollow! 

It was the social media equivalent of a tantrum in the grocery store and NOW I’M TOO EMBARRASSED TO RE-FOLLOW MY FRIENDS.

There’s a lot to unpack here, my doves.

My first thought as I started thinking about this, rather than letting my brain skitter away like usual, was “These are not the actions of a mature adult.” 

It’s been years since this happened, these are actual real-life friends, and I’ve just been letting it ride. Letting my mind jump merrily away to something else rather than confront it.

Honestly, I hoped to just have kids and then accidentally delete my account and start over. Yes, that was a real plan.

My second thought: “Be kinder to yourself.” 

It was the right thing for me to do at the time. I would get on Instagram and start sobbing big ugly cry tears. Removing the triggers felt like the only real option in that moment. (I guess the mute button wasn’t around yet? Or I just didn’t know it existed?) (I’ve officially hit Grandma Wants Her Typewriter Back levels of technical savvy over here.) 

My third thought: “Why is this still a thing?”

It became a splinter that moved in and set up house. It didn’t hurt much, but it would jab me every so often. 

It’s probably because this whole issue is a splinter in my soul and I genuinely don’t know what to do about it. 42 isn’t too late for kids, but it’s too late to not be chasing it down with every fiber of my being, a being that’s still concerned about things like paying bills and social media and committed relationships, things I genuinely did not expect to still be an issue into my forties. Hitting your midlife crisis at the same time as (the ninth iteration of ) your I Really Want To Have Kids crisis is inconvenient.

Since I don’t know what to do about the bigger issue (kids), but I do know what to do about the smaller issue (social media), here’s my plan:

Talk about it (hi!), because expressing things is how I move through them, and I haven’t done nearly enough of that in the past few years and it’s definitely affected my general wellbeing and mental health. 

Re-follow my friends. Sure, I may trigger again when confronted with evidence of Family Life, but I am so much better at handling triggers than I was a few years ago. (Not, like, great. But better. Definitely better!) 

The small child in me worries that they’ll be hurt or mad. The grownup in me recognizes that this is not an issue in anyone’s life but mine.  My friends are kind and well-adjusted people who, if they give it any thought at all, will think something along the lines of “I totally get it. You do what you need to do. My loud children will be here whenever you’re ready.” 

I am proud to announce that my reaction to the most recent round of Beautiful New Facebook Babies has triggered more “I can share your obvious joy” than “My fingers are now big and green because I am the Unfollow Hulk.”

Which feels like progress. Good progress, because there’s also a lot to unpack here energetically.

When we react negatively to someone else having what we want, we hold that very thing away from ourselves. When we’re in the sheer cyclone of joy that “this thing that I want exists in the world and someone I love has it”, we’re summoning that thing like we have a wand from Ollivander’s and a solid understanding of the Accio charm. I’m not saying I don’t have kids because I unfollowed some of my favorite humans on social media once and then didn’t know what to do about it after, but it probably didn’t help. 

And that’s okay. We can always clean up our energy and our actions and re-follow and express and be embarrassed and then stop. We can always step back into expecting our desires to show up like we graduated from Hogwarts with honors.

Taking a Stick of Dynamite to Sad Island

Is there a Facebook group for women who want kids but whose partners are terrified-slash-ambivalent-slash-negative about the prospect of small humans? Because I can’t keep breaking up with people over this. But my friends mostly have kids or don't want kids, I end up feeling like I’m on my own sad island and I’ve had about enough of Sad Island for one lifetime.

I used to talk more about being sad. It felt important to be transparent about my feeling status, especially on social media, that bastion of Best Face Forward and My Autumn Decor Is Prettier Than Yours. But then I felt like I was just marinating in misery and it was all I talked about and who wants to be an instagram downer? So I stopped. But then my entire life stopped too. Because if I’m not expressing myself, I’m not happy, and if I’m not happy the mechanics of my existence grind to a halt.

So I’ll cry over baby pictures on Facebook and contemplate blowing up my entire life - again - over this issue and then ultimately decide that’s a terrible idea and go back to whatever I was doing, probably eating grapes or contemplating the nature of cats.

Even though my 42-year-old biological clock wants to set the world on fire over this issue, the rest of me just wants to relax about the whole baby thing. Yeah, I want one. Yeah, I cry when I see pregnant women. But also, I really like free time. I really like my boyfriend. Maybe I can just let life take its course without having to strong-arm it into doing what I want. Maybe I can just focus on other things that make me happy. Like finishing a novel, and contemplating the nature of cats.

Sensitive Superwoman

My boyfriend finds me sobbing on the couch a lot these days. I need to make a sign that says “MAGIC IN PROGRESS” to put over my face when that happens so he can stop worrying.

Sometimes you have to go deep into the breakdown to get to the magic on the other side.

Because I forget this always, here’s how a lot of my life has gone lately:

I’ll need to cry, I’ll avoid crying. I’ll get all locked up and frustrated and everything in life will slam to a halt and I won’t know why so I’ll get more frustrated and the locks will turn to cement. I’ll finally break down into the serious ugly cry - and a few hours later get a fresh influx of energy, inspiration, and joy.

No matter how many times this happens to me, I’ll insist on forgetting, insist on Not Needing To Feel Things, insist that my sensitivity has gotten better, and then my whole life will turn into an escalator that’s just stairs because the electricity is out. As we all know, that’s super annoying. Who wants to climb stairs when you’re supposed to get a sweet ride to the top?

My sensitivity is my super power. When I let the feels out, the electricity turns back on and everything starts working again. When I insist on ignoring it, life gets real aggravating.

Moral of the story: When life stops and looks at you with exasperation, feel whatever’s clawing at your chest and trying to get out. It helps.

On Waking Up at 4 in the Morning

Every morning I wake up at 4 a.m., which is terrible and has to stop.

Because I’m me, I googled what Chinese medicine had to say about waking up at such an aggravating hour.

Chinese medicine says that waking up at 4 a.m. is terrible and has to stop.

But it also says that waking up between 3 and 5 in the morning is often due to an imbalance in the lungs, which is related to feelings of grief and sadness that haven’t been dealt with.

Grief was my number one feeling state in my thirties and I was hoping my forties would bring the prevalence of a different emotion, preferably joy or satisfaction, but I would honestly take any other emotion. Anger. Annoyance. Ennui.

Suggestions include breathing exercises, meditation or yoga to improve lung capacity, counseling to deal with your grief, and journaling about your emotions before bed each night.

None of those things sound appealing, probably because I’m suppressing a lot of grief. But I also want to get enough sleep to be able to function like a normal human.

I didn’t know organs could get exhausted, but it seems they do. My poor lungs are so tired. I just want to feed my lungs chicken soup and put them down for a nap.

Moral of the story: Our bodies have a deep wisdom and will give us guidance, if we're willing to listen.

So I either need to deal with my grief or resign myself to being exhausted and cranky for all time.