“You’re a fighter. Stop fighting everyone and marry the next guy who tells you he loves you.”
…is a thing I was told on a date recently.
I’m not saying he’s wrong. I’m also not prepared to admit he’s right.
But between breaking up with every person I’ve been in a real relationship with since 2008 and a dating strategy I like to call “saving time” and other people term “trying to scare him away”, I’m not sure I can safely write it off.
But it’s not like these guys who told me they loved me were proposing marriage and I was turning them down.
The very genesis of this whole date situation (and said comment I am now overthinking) was me making a joke about fried chicken and him asking me to marry him and me exclaiming, “Hey, that’s my first marriage proposal! Thanks!”
And then we went out and things were said and this remains my first marriage proposal which means I can probably claim the whole premise of his statement was flawed.
SO THERE, RANDOM DUDE I WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE AGAIN WHO PEERED INTO MY SOUL AND SAW SYDNEY BRISTOW.
I do like to joke that I’m a love warrior.
Mainly because I keep throwing myself into the romance ring to get pummeled.
But maybe I get pummeled because I keep fighting.
What if I laid down whatever metaphorical axe I’m carrying and just … stopped?
What does that even look like?
I realize I’m raising a whole lot of metaphorical questions here that probably don’t have answers, but I’m curious.
It’s possible that I’m single because it just hasn’t been the right time. Or I haven’t met the right person. Or paths just kept unexpectedly diverging.
Or maybe I’m single because I push people away, so they run away, so I can claim it’s their fault instead of mine.
This is a dark train of thought and I will most definitely require a viewing of the Great British Bake-Off and people gently mixing cake batter when I’m done writing this so I don’t descend into a mild depression.
If you’re single when you want a life partner, is it your fault?
If it’s not your fault then is it someone else’s fault?
Or do people end up in partnerships purely by the grace of god?
(I get that people stay in partnerships through work and love and choosing the other person every day, but my problem is getting to the point where any of that is even a possibility.)
I am the x factor in my own life. But does that mean there’s something for me to do, to change? Or do I need to just trust that things will unfold in the right time?
Trusting is really goddamn annoying. Being open is really goddamn annoying. I would like certainty and a guarantee and preferably a date of arrival with a UPS tracking number.
If I had married in my early 30s like I thought I would, there are so many amazing people I never would’ve met.
That said, I think I’m done with the revolving door of dating.
So if anyone knows how to lay down the axe, step off the merry-go-round, and move into a new phase of life, I will happily listen. And if anyone has my UPS tracking number, I will bake you a cake.
Me and Sally, the real love of my life. This may be next year’s Christmas card.