When Things Feel Better and It's Confusing

My anxiety has dissolved like a sugar cube in hot tea this week.⠀

My experience of peace has dialed way up. If I drop into something that doesn't feel good, I bob right back out again. Almost effortlessly. In the past, where the past was a week ago, if I got knocked out of my feeling-good place, I would have to work damn hard to regain it.⠀

It's like everything I've been practicing and working for has finally clicked into place - like all the power tools I've been frantically throwing in my mental health toolbox finally got plugged in and turned on and now they work the way they're supposed to.⠀

Nothing about this time makes sense. Everything my past experience has taught me says that I should be dragging and / or feeling all the things and / or panicking.

Instead I feel like lightning is coursing through me. I feel energized and able to get things done without my usual rounds of second-guessing. In this moment, I feel happy, energetic, and stable. Which is not what I would expect from global pandemic energy.

It doesn't make sense, but I don't need it to make sense. If it lasts, I will be thrilled. If it doesn't, I know that Feeling Peaceful For Five Whole Days In a Row is something that exists in this world.⠀

Or maybe this is something else. Maybe this is ascension. Maybe 5D is already here. Maybe this isn’t what we believe it to be. Or maybe I’ve just used up all my anxiety and fear for one life time already and so now I get a break.

Honestly, I don’t know. My job right now seems to be to stay in the moment, roll with and enjoy what is, and let things unfold.

If anyone else is having a similar experience right now, I'd love to hear about it.⠀

If this is not anywhere close to your experience, I will just say that this is available to all of us. I know that for sure, even if I don't know what your personal route might be.

But you know how to get there. Even if you don't yet know that you know.⠀

xo - Amber

Wait, what is this feeling?

Time to Slow

It’s blissfully quiet - no cars rumbling down the road, no planes blasting over head. The only sound is the kitties chewing their breakfast kibble.

It feels like the world needs a rest. I saw pictures of the Venice canals - the water was running clear, and the fish and the swans were returning. When the factories in China shut down, the air cleared for the first time in decades.

There’s something that feels very important about this time - a slowing down, a drastic shift in everyday life, something deeply supportive for us as a people and for the planet.

Why Quitting Is a Great Idea

I am terrible at quitting things. 

Actually, I’m amazing at quitting things. I’m just not great at continuing to quit things. I’ll quit sugar and then decide a week later that a salted chocolate chip cookie is a brilliant idea. (Because it is.) I’ll quit coffee and decide an hour later that the world needs me caffeinated. (Because it does.)

I’ve needed to quit channeling and energy healing for over a year.⠀

I love channeling. But all arrows have been pointing to STOP since last March - but I was in my NO CHANNELING IS MY THING denial phase for all of 2019.⠀

It IS my thing. Channeling will always be my thing. But doing the channeling and energy healing for other people was killing my health and my energy.⠀

So I quit. I quit doing the thing that drains me, the thing that closes off my life, rather than opens it up.⠀

Because I want to feel good. I want to have energy for things like writing books and having friends. I want to do all the things that make me happy, like going to dance class, exploring this beautiful state and world I’m lucky enough to live in, learning new things, smelling the goddamn rosemary.⠀

Quitting the thing you know you need to quit makes space for other things, things that feel better.⠀

Channeling can be just another tool in my arsenal, a bonus for people I work with - like, hey, Joan of Arc is here for you! - rather than the main event. Thank god.

I'm making life simple for awhile. I'm going to do sessions with writers ( because working with witchy authors to help them do the goddamn thing is my jam) and with sensitive humans (because helping people feel better is my joy) - and trust that it’s enough. If you want to schedule a session with me, I'd love to help.⠀

We're allowed to quit. To have a life that feels fun, that feels good, that doesn’t drain the very marrow of our soul - and we get to do that in any way we goddamn please.

Sometimes that means leaving something behind, even something you thought you would do or be or have or love forever.⠀

But it always, always opens the door for something better.

Like clinging to an octopus for no discernible reason.

Soften

My internal message this morning was “soften.”

I am such a tense little pigeon. I clench and tighten and stop breathing without even noticing that I’m cutting off my flow of air. Trust me, when you clench off your flow of air, you’re cutting off all your flow - the flow of love, the flow of money, the flow of inspiration, the flow of healing, the flow of divinity trying to make it into this human body of mine.

In the midst of living my life, I’m doing my best to catch myself when I tense and tighten up. Soften into this life. Feel safe in this body, in this place. Feel safe in all the circumstances and events and thoughts and feelings of my Amber existence.

Softening actually makes for a pretty good day. When I soften, I become more aware of the air around me - the bright sky above, the trees flashing past the window of my car, how lucky I am to have money for a sandwich I can eat in the sun and a coffee I can drink in my favorite writing spot.

Softening allows gratitude to show up easily - something that I tend to struggle with. Softening allows my thoughts to quiet. Softening allows my lungs to take in more than ten percent of their capacity. Softening helps me feel like every step I take is worth something, rather than spinning my wheels fruitlessly.

The first part of this year has really been about devoting myself to the small daily habits that support my health, evolution, and work. Alternating walking and yoga-ing so my body doesn’t petrify on the couch. Turning on the writing faucet every day so that if anything wants to come through me, it has a chance. Channeling for myself every morning, because I’m great at channeling for everyone else and not so good at channeling for myself. But spending five minutes each morning receiving messages for myself has skipped that evolution forward massively.

I’m rebuilding my foundations, after a year of shifting and redrawing boundaries and wondering what on god’s green earth I was doing with my life. I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life, to be clear. But I do know that I can get up every morning and take a walk and write some words and check in with my guides and share what I’m led to share and heal for anyone who wants it - and maybe that’s all I need to know about my life right now.

On Being Happy In a Human Body

Inhabiting my body and my life and my relationships is one of the hardest things for me. It doesn’t feel safe. Though of course, being fully in the body is the safest place for us. But try telling that to my gun-shy soul.

I joke that I was lured back down into the world and a human body with the promise of sex and donuts.

Now that I’m here and know that sugar makes me crazy (meaning donuts = bad idea) (let’s not even get into the marathon of terrible that sex was through most of my twenties) , I realize that I should’ve read the fine print.

Last night I was at an acupuncture appointment with one of my favorite healers. She was asking me about my relationship - and she completely lost my pulse as I answered. It was like I just dropped straight out of my body. Like the rug was pulled out from under me - which is how I feel in most of my relationships, romantic or not.

Being fully in my relationship is - apparently - a really rich place of exploration for me. It also feels like boarding a ship to sail for the horizon when everyone still believed the world was flat.

In a miracle of eastern medicine, she stuck needles into me in the places that would help my body feel like a safe place for my soul to land. Which is quite a good trick, considering that my soul was not even a little bit interested in another human life and life’s few redeeming aspects have proved problematic.

Even though I don’t want to be here most of the time, I love this world and I love the people in it. And when I can rise enough out of my own nonsense, I love my own life. My life has sunshine and beaches and cats and coffee and writing words and a boyfriend who’s an excellent cook.

So my other place of exploration/trying-not-to-fall-off-the-edge is being so at home in myself and my body and my energy that I can embody that love rather than all the fear. (So much fear, my god.)

It becomes a daily practice of doing everything I know to do to stay in my own center rather than being buffeted around by the world and the people and all the feelings. This is why I harp on about light all the time. Using my imagination to sling light through my life is one of the best ways to help myself feel better.

Honestly, I don’t really know what it looks like to fully inhabit my body and relationships and life. I just have to trust myself and my guidance and keep moving in the direction that feels good. That’s all we can ever do.